照顾孩子，爸爸知道怎么做吗？ - 2014年05月04日

In traditional Chinese families, child-rearing was strictly women’s work, while fathers remained aloof. Today, fathers increasingly play a significant parenting role. Zhang Qian reports.

For both Carl Gu and his two-year-old daughter Cindy, it was a disaster when mother went on a business trip two weeks ago. Though she reminded her husband again and again of Cindy’s habits and needs and told him exactly what to do, he could barely manage.

For two days, the 34-year-old banker could not keep the girl still in her highchair for a meal; he couldn’t find her favorite animated episode in early childhood education; he couldn’t stop her crying by offering her favorite milk. He wasn’t even sure how much milk powder was needed for a bottle of water.

Somehow, he muddled through.

“It was the first time I took care of the baby all by myself. I did not know what she needed, and I could not find what I needed,” says Gu, who was exhausted after one day.

Usually, mother took charge and grandmother helped during the day, but the elderly woman caught cold, so dad had to step in.

“It is just not my thing, or it is just not a man thing,” says Gu.

He is a typical father who doesn’t do the hands-on child-rearing — feeding, cleaning up, changing diapers, dressing, bathing and playing. But increasingly fathers are stepping in and playing a larger role in their child’s upbringing, spending more quality time with their sons and daughters.

He identifies with the celebrity parenting reality TV show “Dad, Where Are We Going” that ended last month, one of the year’s most popular TV shows in China.

Five celebrity dads from different fields and their children spent a couple of days away from home and away from mother, often visiting a village or unknown town. Dad had to do everything — preparing meals, making sure children brushed their teeth, guiding them as they walked around, finding teaching moments and bonding.

Many of the fathers were just as befuddled as Gu.

The show touched viewers by showing the affection between fathers and children, and it generated considerable discussion about the father’s role in family education.

The traditional value of “nan zhu wai, nu zhu nei” (men’s work is outside, women’s work is inside the home) has dominated Chinese family culture for centuries.

The divisions were clear, man as breadwinner, woman as mother and homemaker.

Thus, when children are badly behaved or do poorly in school, people have tended to blame the mother; seldom are fingers pointed at men who play little part in a child’s education.

Much of that thinking persists today.

Stacy Qu, a 23-year-old journalist, says that her father never attended a parents’ meeting at school and hadn’t a clue about her teachers over the years. He didn’t even know her major in university.

A 2009 survey on father’s participation in education was carried out by the China Youth Daily on www.sina.com. Of the 1,988 participants, 46.9 percent said their mothers were more responsible for their education, 28.7 percent said parents shared responsibility, 11.4 percent cited “others.” Only 13 percent said fathers were the major educators.

Work pressure was cited as the major reason for fathers’ absence in child rearing, while traditional values — it’s not men’s work — ranked second.

Caring for her son is 41-year-old bank executives Shirley Shi’s “second career” since she gave birth 14 years ago.

She got him enrolled in a top private middle school in Shanghai; she rented an apartment near the school so she could care for him on school days; she took him to Hong Kong for various academic tests; she sent him to school in the United States. Of course, she saw to homework, extracurricular courses and medical care.

Her husband left it all to her.

“A man knows nothing about caring for children or educating them. He’s like a child himself. How can you expect him to educate another child?” says Shi.

Gentleness, patience and attention to detail make women good caregivers while children are infants, while men tend to be clumsy and get frustrated easily, says psychologist Feng Yalan. Then a habit develops: The mother takes care of everything, while the father puts his hands in his sleeves.

But women also have lives of their own and it becomes increasingly clear that children need both female and male role models.

More young fathers are gradually getting more involved in their child’s upbringing — if not changing diapers, then focusing on early childhood education, playtime and teaching values.

Jack Feng, a 33-year-old driver at a state-owned company, is required to stand by for his boss’ needs, so he isn’t involved in the upbringing of his 21-month-old daughter.

He finds himself the “red face” (hong lian, the villain in traditional opera) in his daughter’s education. In other words, he’s the disciplinarian.

“I don’t have much time for patient guidance. I leave that to the mother and grandparents,” says Feng. “For me, it’s just about yes or no.”

Though that makes him the favorite, Feng believes that at least he makes his contribution.

Jin Li, a 37-year-old business owner, is around home quite a bit since his schedule is flexible, while his wife works at a foreign-invested company.

“We do not have a clear division of responsibility but agree to take care of the children when we can,” says Jin. “Since I am available more often, I seem to spend more time with them.”

He is both the disciplinarian and the one who takes his 5-year-old daughter Jenny and 3-year-old son Ian on various outings and to the park every weekend. He reads them books and sets limits: no playing during meals, no more than 30 minutes of TV a day. But he gives them considerable freedom.

“My daughter always asks about everything and I explain as much as I can,” says Jin, who’s proud of his role as teacher.

Fathers play an important role in providing a sense of security, a basic need, says Professor Zhu Jiaxiong from the Preschool and Special Education School of East China Normal University.

The different approaches of men and women to care-giving and teaching provide a healthy, complete education, which is unbalanced if either partner is absent, says Zhu.

Mothers attend more to safety and basic needs, while fathers encourage children to explore. The involvement of both parents gives role models of appropriate male and female behavior, he says.

“Boys learn about how to be a man while spending time with their father, when girls learn how to get along with the opposite sex in the future,” says Zhu.

While many strong and independent women set good role models, the father’s role is still essential in terms of gender identification.

“Lack of masculine presence may lead to problems such as girlish boys or fragile girls,” he says.